


dead hearts

by limeli



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Commander Armin Arlert, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, One-Sided Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein, Squad Leader Jean Kirstein, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26298568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/limeli/pseuds/limeli
Summary: Jean was the only one staring out the window as the tragedy unfolded. Armin needs reassurance, and Jean realizes he's been kept blindfolded.SNK CHAPTER 132 SPOILERS!
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Jean Kirstein, Implied Armin/Annie
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	dead hearts

**Author's Note:**

> I felt so broken by the leaks that I just took some of my sleep hours to write this down. It's messy because I took like 2 hours so I apologize

It flew. It flew.

The rush of the moment, the technicalities behind the mending he had absolutely no knowledge about, counting on only themselves to stop Eren from his monstrous endeavor. All of it made Jean's vision turn blurry as he gazed out the window, watching Commander Hange Zoë bravely give it their all to buy them time. Shadis had been much of a shock to him, but it hadn't been enough to make his comrade stop. Neither had Sasha's departure. Comrade? They kept the bond, yet something inside of him broke. Jean couldn't let go of what bound them together, of everything they had gone through. As much as Eren had done everything wrong, there was one thing he never regretted knowing him for. He helplessly let his eyes roam from one of the window's borders to the next, doing his best not to avoid his commander's last attempt at saving what was left of humanity. He felt powerless, entirely useless as the person outside didn't battle for their own life but for the ones of the teenagers inside Kiyomi's aircraft on their way to stopping an unstoppable force. Letting his eyes fixated on the churning body of their honorable leader, Jean's ear canals gave way to the sounds around him that his mind had achieved at muting temporarily.

Muffled screams and fists repeatedly beating the metal near the window were all he heard as he felt his tears leave his eyes without permission. Shaking the slumbering feeling off him, he watched Reiner and Mikasa from the corner of his eye, catching both allies with their heads hanging low and hearing their loud breaths. Panting and loud metallic sounds came from behind them first, Jean finding Connie about to scream from the top of his lungs though being completely unable to, showing his emotion through the loud banging against the wall as his mouth hung open. Hange's body had long hit the ground, no traces of it around as the mass of Colossal titans marched their way to turning whole civilizations into nothing but debris. Connie could not express what he felt, so weak whimpering was all that left his voice box. He had been utterly destroyed by Sasha's last minutes before her death, and the tears that now ran down his cheeks finally got Jean to realize it. Realize that Connie had lost the last bits of hope as he let the thought of their commander sacrificing themselves sink in his head. With Corporal Levi battered and beaten to a pulp, no one knowledgeable and mature enough would be there to cover for them when worse things came. Trying to control his breathing, Jean mourned Connie's innocence and tranquility. It was understandable - the ideal situation was for them to be cadets who'd graduate and leave for their undisturbed futures, yet that wasn't near happening. They were grown people fighting for their lives and those that belonged to the people who'd put them in the curse of oppression.

His thoughts were interrupted by loud sobs and the screeching of nails on metal. Lowering his gaze to the smaller figure just a few feet away, he encountered a sight that made him, once again, want to rewrite their history. A matter of seconds before the disaster that hit the remaining members of the alliance, Jean had overheard Mikasa and the Survey Corps' newly designated commander cryptically speaking of Annie. Then, on the floor by the time Jean's eyes found Armin's body going limp, he was reminded of the ocean-eyed boy's sudden change after reuniting with the carrier of the Female Titan. Overall, as overreacting and childish as he could have been at times, Jean knew his place when finding out about the team's relationships. All those years coping with a skill he had to further develop, Squad Leader Kirschstein already knew his way around people well enough to put his leadership into practice. He thought he'd had everything relatively under control, though it all went down when he realized something he hadn't paid much attention to. After Jean and the rest of their team had made it out alive, they had all headed out the sea on the boat in which the children and Annie were left recently. Blinking back a couple of tears, he saw Mikasa kneel before him, covering all of Armin's back as she stayed behind him, almost too sure that her friend of a lifetime could possibly faint any second from the recent events. As strong as Armin was, he had shown plenty of times that his emotional resistance was often subpar to his rational thinking. Nevertheless, he caught the weight of the shorter boy fall on the officer's knees as he bit his lip to control his breathing. Drying his tears with her wrist, Mikasa did everything to stabilize Armin before they could go on with what they planned. Jean could tell that, as much as Commander Hange Zöe's death wrecked her heart, she was driven by the desire of putting an end to that hell of war more than anyone else. Bringing the 15th Commander of the Survey Corps on his feet, Mikasa walked Armin to the front cabin of the aircraft to let him get some air as they flew. Jean let his feet move on their own until they got him to the safe, quiet place where Mikasa had sat Armin down, rubbing circles on his scalp to make him return from wherever he was on his mind by then.

"Armin," whispered the black-haired teen soothingly enough for Jean to sit cross-legged in front of the boy and his best friend.

"Hange," was all he said before covering his eyes with an arm, pressing his head onto it and both knees. "Did you see them fall? They fought. We're alive because they fought and died."

Both people sitting near Armin soon heard his voice crack as another sob made its way into his first try at getting rid of the shock unsuccessfully. Standing up, stumbling on both feet, Jean saw him get a hold of the window frame, his eyes opaque thought sunlight and the brimming ocean light hit them. Swallowing loudly, Armin's eyes wandered over the portion of the sea below them, trying to adjust his sight to any shape that could be familiar to him. Turning his face to Jean, Armin shook his head desperately, and both of them knew exactly where they were headed.

"You are," Jean whispered near him, probably closer than they had ever been in a long time. "You are more than capable. It was Hange's wish, and Erwin would’ve agreed."

"Me? How?" Armin's lips wobbled as he spoke, the tremor in his hands preventing him from staying focused on the task.

"No one knows Eren better. No one thinks faster and smarter. No one makes more appropriate decisions than you do," Jean replied almost mechanically, adjusting his voice to a formal tone, trying his best not to let any amount of sentiment stain his talk. "You are the most suited for this role, believe it or not."

"I... I could have done it," Armin shook, and Jean got a hold of both his shoulders as he heard the shorter teen speak. "I am the bearer of the Colossal titan. Nothing could've happened if I-"

"I wouldn't have let you anyway," Jean blurted out, getting a sour taste on his tongue from speaking so hurriedly. "Neither would they. Hange and I have always treasured you enough to put you in danger."

Still kneeling beside them, Jean and Armin found the younger Ackerman breathing in and out, a hand on her chest as she kept the volume of her own crying down. Hange was a great loss, not just because of their tactical strategies and strong bonds with the rest of the Survey Corps members. They also had been one of the few mentors that remained while Levi recovered from the Beast Titan attack.

"Jean, you could just- Don't look at me like that. I can't-"

"Armin," Mikasa came to her feet, putting a hand to Armin's left cheek as Jean watched the scene closely. "You are our new commander, and I trust you. We trust you like all the other times you've saved us. We are in your hands, and you've always known how to make things turn in our favor."

Shooting a soft look back at Jean and squeezing Armin's shoulders, she left them standing by the cabin of their plane as she went to help Connie and check the aircraft’s state with Onyankopon. Staring into each other's eyes silently, Jean let his mind wander. Looking at each other for long wasn't bearable to Armin, which led him to go back to watching the world go by outside their window. Although they wished they could have seen the same landscape in different circumstances, both their minds went back to the issue at hand. In Armin's opinion, power was meant to be held by those whose leadership was proven, and, on the one hand, Jean had excelled at doing so for the last few years. On the other hand, he found himself unprepared to face such a critical scene in which so many lives -yet, not enough- depended on him. He was more than up to taking up the challenges every mission left them, but commanding the alliance was a job he had not even imagined of having. Tracing the window frame with his fingers, he felt the cold metal he had hit a while back and saw the skin of his knuckles already regenerating. Staring up at Jean, he found him looking at a loss for words.

"Since when?" Jean asked him quietly, using the wall as support for the conversation that would come.

"Longer than I can remember," Armin began, avoiding Jean's stare. "I always- There was-"

Jean's blood boiled, yet the pain and heartbreak let his rage subside. Confused, he watched Armin's every movement as he spoke, and he couldn't get to imagine how they had come to be into each other for so long.

"Before we…?"

"I'm sorry," Armin shook his head, keeping his voice low as he exhaled tiredly. "I'm so sorry, Jean."

Silence. Hazel eyes on the quest for blue eyes. Slender fingers pulling long fringe hairs behind Armin's ears. As much as he’d made it his mission to put the Survey Corps’ 15th commander back on his feet, his insides twisted with a feeling similar to what he felt when Reiner had told the truth about his late best friend.

"Man, was I stupid,” the squad leader let the comment go, knowing it’d most likely hurt his interlocutor more than he already was hurting. Aware of the situation they were in, he bit his tongue and used the wall for support, towering over the blonde man. That wasn’t the moment to let his anger go past him.

Extending his right arm with an open hand, he reached out for a promise. If he wasn’t meant to have him, he told himself in his head, he might as well ensure Armin’s lifetime for as long as he was able to live. Many times before, they had proven that combining Jean’s wits and jurisdiction with Armin’s knowledge and hunches was useful enough to keep their comrades alive. Getting a hesitant stare from his commander, Jean felt the other man’s fingers around his hand, slowly making way for a handshake. Enclosing it in a tight grip, Jean squeezed it firmly as he looked into beloved blue eyes. 

“Wherever you are, I will be. Whatever you do, I will do,” the squad leader said in a whisper, though in Armin’s ears sounded more like mind-reading. Watching him turn around, he saw Jean stand up straight, a fist pressed against the window through which he’d been watching.

“Meeting in two, everybody!” He heard Jean’s voice echo all the way to the other side of the small plane, and as much as he would’ve liked to go over their talk in detail, he had a plan to rearrange.

Maybe later, if Jean was still alive.


End file.
